Hiding from the World.

Today, this is what I want to do. Hide from the world. Just lie down in my bed and just fall asleep and wake tomorrow and pray today never happened. But that isn't going to happen.

Why oh why are you being such a smacktard I hear you ask. Today I took the last step in what has been the worst part of my life in a very long time. Long story short: My ex-wife fell in love with one of her co-workers and asked for a divorce. I gave it to her and ran away. I never intended to leave for good. Just for a while. Then she did somethings, and I reacted badly. Then I did somethings and got lost in the crowd and couldn't do more than I was. Never was there a day when I didn't think of our children. It saved my life once or twice (really, saved my life literally). Today I got the letter which I needed in order to terminate my parental rights to my sons.

Not easy. Before any shouts or screams anything, I need to say this: It is over, I have signed the papers. I made my choice over two years ago. It wasn't easy. It isn't without its pain (those who know me, know I never let the pain go from 12 years ago), but it is what is right for my kids. Dr. Laura (wench in my opinion) would say that it is me being selfish in not paying, in not demanding to see my children. I said it when my exwife and I got together, I just wanted to see her smile. This means she can go on with her life and I, mine.

I so badly want to see those kids. I haven't ever made the attempt because I am a weak person and because now I have convinced myself that it is easier on them if I don't do it. My exwife has never asked me to intervene for them, although we both know that I would drop anything in a heartbeat to do anything. Heck, I do it for almost strangers if needed. So I continue the myth that they are better off.

I only think my older son remembers me. I pray he does. On the other hand, I wish he could forget me. And I wish I could forget them. It would make everything so much easier. I have been promised that I won't ever be blocked from a scheduled attempt to see them, and they are not to be blocked from contacting me. I pray one day they will.

There are so many cards I never sent. So many presents I never bought. So much time and space. One day, I pray the bridge will be crossed. Until that time, I will stand on my side of the canyon and sing a song, the same song I sang as I would walk them to sleep (with apologies to Billy Joel, but heck, he wrote it when he was going through his divorce too):

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be