In case I missed anyone...

I have switched to my own website hosting and blog and gallery.

Please don't expect any further updates here.

A little test!

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's" Inferno Hell Test

Scared Beyond Belief

I just got the scariest news in months. I have a thirty year old sister. She has always been my kid sister although we are only 18 months apart. She is currently 6 months pregnant with her third child.

My father called me on my cell phone and asked, "Got a minute to talk?"
"Sure, what can I do for you?"
"Have you talked to your younger sister?"
"No, how is the newest grandchild coming along, old man?"
"Well that is part of why I called. The baby appears to have a heart defect like her sister did."
"Are they going in to check status then?" (My sister had some intensive testing done on her second pregnancy)
"No, they can't."
"Why?"
"Well, your sister is going to have a full mastectomy on Monday. Your sister has breast cancer."

Cancer. Crap. Not again. I can't lose another family member to that horrible disease. My dad's sister was dead within a short time after I was born from the killer. My mom was ripped from our family when I was a senior in high school. Sure I am a little older now, but my sister isn't old enough for cancer.

"Nothing to say is there?"
"No not really. Can you tell us what hospital she is in so that we can send flowers?"
"Sure thing son. It's not as bad as last time."
"Sure thing Dad."
"Ok love you, and we will talk soon"
"Righto love you too."
"Bye"
"Bye"

Now, what the heck can I do with myself. Just waiting. Biding my time until the call Monday. Probably shouldn't obsess with it, but considering how it effected me back in October of 1991 (my senior year), I don't know what else to do. I want to scream and cry, but instead I will fast and pray.

I read an article today on a great man of faith who realized that his life was not what it could have been, so he relieved himself of all guilt, shame, pride, and humbled himself. "If I can just make it through this, I will sacrifice it all for His work." He became one of the most outspoken members of our church and one of the most vocal on sacrifice that can be offered in His name. I believe I may have just found my new mantra for this episode. "If we all just make it through this, we will make that 100% sacrifice that He asks for."

People often say that if a challenge is placed before you, you did something to deserve it or you need it in order to grow. I don't think that is always true. As another article I read today said. "Trust that Heavenly Father is a God of love and does not delight in punishing you."

Blondie, you don't deserve this. You don't need it, but you are strong enough to get through it.

Hiding from the World.

Today, this is what I want to do. Hide from the world. Just lie down in my bed and just fall asleep and wake tomorrow and pray today never happened. But that isn't going to happen.

Why oh why are you being such a smacktard I hear you ask. Today I took the last step in what has been the worst part of my life in a very long time. Long story short: My ex-wife fell in love with one of her co-workers and asked for a divorce. I gave it to her and ran away. I never intended to leave for good. Just for a while. Then she did somethings, and I reacted badly. Then I did somethings and got lost in the crowd and couldn't do more than I was. Never was there a day when I didn't think of our children. It saved my life once or twice (really, saved my life literally). Today I got the letter which I needed in order to terminate my parental rights to my sons.

Not easy. Before any shouts or screams anything, I need to say this: It is over, I have signed the papers. I made my choice over two years ago. It wasn't easy. It isn't without its pain (those who know me, know I never let the pain go from 12 years ago), but it is what is right for my kids. Dr. Laura (wench in my opinion) would say that it is me being selfish in not paying, in not demanding to see my children. I said it when my exwife and I got together, I just wanted to see her smile. This means she can go on with her life and I, mine.

I so badly want to see those kids. I haven't ever made the attempt because I am a weak person and because now I have convinced myself that it is easier on them if I don't do it. My exwife has never asked me to intervene for them, although we both know that I would drop anything in a heartbeat to do anything. Heck, I do it for almost strangers if needed. So I continue the myth that they are better off.

I only think my older son remembers me. I pray he does. On the other hand, I wish he could forget me. And I wish I could forget them. It would make everything so much easier. I have been promised that I won't ever be blocked from a scheduled attempt to see them, and they are not to be blocked from contacting me. I pray one day they will.

There are so many cards I never sent. So many presents I never bought. So much time and space. One day, I pray the bridge will be crossed. Until that time, I will stand on my side of the canyon and sing a song, the same song I sang as I would walk them to sleep (with apologies to Billy Joel, but heck, he wrote it when he was going through his divorce too):

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be

Umm... little problem...

So some idiota comes into my home the other day to check for some error on my speed for my downloads. Keep in mind, my friends have been downloading this file in less than 20 minutes. I try to download it and I am told it will take 8 FREAKING HOURS! Hmm... Well I try on another PC in my house to see if it might be an error or a limited factor on my PC. Nope. No luck on PC2. Hmm... Clean boot? Ok, still getting 20 kb per second.

Call customer service. "Hey, here is the sitrep.", I say.
"Great, let's check stuff here" says the phone rep.
"Wow, everything looks ok here" he says "but let's have you d/l from 3 different sites to see if it is geographical or if it is a regional thing."
"Good idea! Ok, one local d/l, one international, and one east coast." I say.
"What are we getting locally?"
"20 kb"
"Ok, cancel that. Reboot clean and start international"
5 minutes later...
"Speed?"
"20 kb"
"Not really what we were looking for huh?"
"Um no"
"Ok, cancel that. Reboot clean and start east coast."
"Roger that"
5 minutes later...
"Speed, or do I want to ask?"
"Don't ask!"
"Dang, well I will send someone out tomorrow."
"Thanks. Will you advise the sitrep?"
"Sure, wouldn't want them to repeat what we did."

Next morning.
"Hey, honey, the tech is here and he can't find anything wrong." said my wife.
"Ok, does he know what the problem was?" I ask.
"Well he said that we were having problems downloading but didn't see a problem."
"Hmm... Not exactly, but I am on my way home anyway."

15 minutes later:
"So sir, what seems to be the problem?" he asks.
"Well when I d/l from any website I get 20 kb per second."
"Well it is the server that you are downloading from fault. We can't control that."
"So if I understand you correctly, you are saying that it is the server that is restricting me?"
"Yes sir, let me show you how quickly you are d/l'ing."
"Ok (genius) show me."
He proceeds to download a 100 kb file in about 3 seconds. WOW! That is freaking amazing. Oh wait no, it isn't.

Can I just say I love TECH FREAKING NOLOGY!